You know the phenomenon...

You're driving or walking down a narrow pathway, when you see someone coming in the other direction. In between you is some immovable object that will make the path a one-person concourse. You think, "I'm going to meet up with that person RIGHT as we come to the immovable object." And that's what happens every time.

Well, I have this theory that your brain sub-consciously MAKES you meet up with that person right there. The more you think it, the worse it gets. As soon as you have that thought, both of your brains are doing the multi-variable calculus and adjusting pace to MAKE it happen.

In fact, I've been trying out my theory the last couple of days. I've been consciously avoiding thinking about it, except to say "I will NOT meet up with that person there!"

So far, it works.

Stupid lungs! Stay in my chest, dammit! [cough]

I wonder if anyone else does this...
I have a tendency to try and find the pattern in seemingly random events or things.
I noticed it when I got on the elevator this morning. The buttons pushed were 4, 8, 16, and 20. Which are all multiples of four. Then I started trying to think of it as powers of two, or adding and subtracting sequences... Then I realized what I was doing and stopped myself because I thought it was a wee bit psycho.

Notes on the Smiths "Rubber Ring":
The first sample is from a filme of Oscar Wilde's "Importance of Being Earnest". Bizarrely, the second sample is from 1971 LP "Breakthrough: An Amazing Experiment In Electronic Communication With The Dead". This LP was recorded by Latvian psychologist Konstantin Raudive, and is claimed to be voices of the dead recorded in laboratory conditions.

So I've actually left my apartment a few times since Friday, and I'm on sort of a high...

Last Tuesday at girls night out, we decided that our friend Shelly, who is getting married on the 26th, had not yet done any proper bachelorette things. So we took her out Saturday night.

The evening started at my place because I live uptown, which would mean stumbling distance home for people if necessary. This was the first time I formally had "people" over to my place since I moved in a year and a half ago. Also I had this wonderful new sofa and chair to show off.

So being the good little hostess in the upscale apartment (I was told my place was like the "after" on a home makeover show like Trading Spaces or Queer Eye!) I made some snacks.

I stayed away from the traditional southern 'orderves' like Vienna Sausages and cut up sticky buns with toothpicks in them.

We had vegetable crudite, and party mix, and baked brie en croute, and cheese and crackers. Lovely. Shelly brought a giant jug of pre-mixed margaritas... It was 11 before we left the house. :mrgreen:

So 5 women go wandering the streets of Charlotte. We had agreed not to make Shelly wear the condom veil, or the penis hat, or anything. Maybe if we were still 25. But there's something unseemly about women in their 30's acting that way...

Our first stop was Connolly's, an 'Irish Pub'. (Funny, Uptown Charlotte has 3 Irish pubs, but no Japanese restaurant...) It was dark, hot, crowded and smoky. We had one drink and left.

We went to Time, which was a club none of us had been to before. Two bars and a decent size dance floor, club music, etc. Relatively un-smoky. There's a nice seating lounge area that's all lit up in pastel blue lights. They had one platform with a skimp-ily clad woman dancing on it. And while she was dancing, a man was body-painting her with sky blue paint. In the other corner, a man wearing a hockey mask was carving an ice sculpture with a chainsaw. Later, they set it on fire with kerosene. Note: if you are going to pull this stunt, do it in a more well ventilated area than a club.

Well, we drank a lot, and some of us danced (*not a dancer, but an intense people-watcher!)

I got groped verrry nastily more than once. (I mean full on breast fondling, and all I was trying to do was walk through the crowd to the bathroom! I also got pinched.)

We met up with Dori's new roommate's friend who wanted a ride home.
His name is Alp. Yes, like a mountain. Yes, almost like "Alf" or "Alpo".
This name makes for great fun when you've been drinking.

We left and harrassed many men on the street. Especially if they were alone. One guy showed us his ass. It was great. Really. Beware a band of drunken bachelorettes!

Shelly decided to go stumbling down the street yelling "Pita Pit! Pita Pit!" So we went to the Pita Pit, where Shelly bought everyone food even though it was her night out. I ate falafel.

Some people crave nasty foods when they drink. I crave chick peas. Falafel or hummus will do it for me.

And we went home.

Sunday I didn't even bother to get dressed. I sat on my new couch all day with my laptop and taught myself Flash and Dreamweaver MX to build this guy's website. Made some kick ass, sound-effected, flash navigation buttons. Watched Adult Swim. Ironed some clothes. Went to bed.

So I was in a pretty good mood this morning, when my friend Ross called me.

For the uninitiated, Ross is a former boyfriend who is my best friend now. We met on match.com. He is the reason I moved to Charlotte from Raleigh. We had a very turbulent 3.5 year romantic relationship, during which he repeatedly ripped out my heart and stomped all over it, and I forgave him, and he did it again. And again. The very last time I said "No more" but good thing, because he met someone else anyway. I forgave him for many, many wrongs, and we decided not to throw away a good friendship. We've got almost 7 years behind us now.

So the woman he met at that time, he now lives with, and bought a dog, and a house, and now a car, with. But he has not yet married her. Anyway, despite the fact that I have successfully transferred all those romantic-love feelings into platonic-love feelings, and he lives with this woman and has the dog-house-car, she still doesn't like the fact that he and I are friends. However, she needs to get over it because I come with the Ross package, and she knew that going in.

So ultimately what this results in, is that any time she goes out of town is optimum hang out time with Ross. So this morning he calls me up and says the girlfriend's out of town, do I want to go see Chronicles of Riddick with him, and maybe catch a bite to eat? I say sure, and we agree to meet up that night.

Now, I love their dog Cisco. He is the most beautiful, smartest, sweetest golden retriever on the face of the earth. I love him to death, and the feeling is more than mutual. He dances in circles and cries, and grabs me by the wrist with his mouth to pull me in the house when I come over. How could you not love a creature like that? So Cisco and Aunt Kathy had some playtime tonight, which always leaves me on a super duper high! The unconditional love is the greatest thing in the world...

We went to the Roasting Company for food, which is an excellent place that serves all sorts of preparations of very delicious rotisserie chicken, at a bargain of a price. It's a favorite. Over our dinner of spicy chicken on rice for me, and soft chicken tacos for him, we discussed my weekend. I told how I was secretly flattered by the groping, much like the way I was secretly flattered in Florida by Dori's new boyfriend trying to do it to me all weekend.
(He called her last week by the way, but that's another story.)

He told me about his friend Chris, who used to be the guitarist for the band StretchArmstrong, but he quit the band last month for a woman he met, from NJ, no less. And now he's engaged. [giant eye roll]

I said he knew it was coming, and...so when are YOU getting married, Ross?

He says oh, I don't know...eventually...I still have to buy a ring... But something always comes up, either extra taxes to pay, or something for the house, or the air conditioning in his car just went out.

So we have a great dinner, and go see the movie. We smuggled in our take-away cups from the Roasting Company. Rather, I smuggled them. I hid mine in my purse, and his under the sweater I was carrying. I had some leakage in the purse, and it dribbled on my foot. I think I got my sketchbook wet... Anyway, TRULY enjoyed the movie.

Now, I forgot to mention he bought a car just a week or two ago with the girlfriend, and it's a beautiful, blue, almost new, BMW M3 convertible. I've wanted a convertible almost as long as I've known how to drive. So now, I'm insanely jealous over it. But this was the car we took out for the evening.

Once, we rented a Sebring convertible in San Francisco, and drove it down the Pacific Coast Highway to Del Mar. That was one of the best trips of my life. [sigh]

The murderous injustice of it though, is that the girlfriend told me last week that the $46,000 car they just bought is the same to her as the $20,000 one. She doesn't care really. I say she is not worthy!

Now, Ross is an excellent driver, and I trust him beyond a shadow of a doubt. He used to have 3 Eagle Talons, and one of those I helped him convert into a drag race car. We've been in many a speeding-on-the-highway, or down-the-backroads ride, but I know the whole entire time that he is in control of that vehicle. Once, in one of those Talons, we outran a cop car on I-95 near Quantico at around 2AM. He managed to melt a spark plug in that incident, but we made it to NJ safely, regardless.

So add his daredevil driving to the mix of my already good mood. It's a beautiful night in Charlotte tonight. It was raining all day, but it's trying to clear now. It's sort of cool - 60s anyway. We put the top down and drove back to his place. We're about to pull into his street when I say "No! I want to drive around some more!" So grinning, he said, "OK!" and we went for a spin.

The only drawback to the car right now is that it didn't come with the cd player. It has a...cassette player!!! But he got $300 off for that, so he's going to buy an upgrade soon...

Anyway, he's managed to pull out some old mix cassettes he made back in the early 90's to have something to listen to while driving, in the meantime.

So imagine us, in a beautiful convertible, on a lovely night in Charlotte, with the top down, blasting old Depeche Mode and New Order remixes!

Unfortunately, as 11 pm came on, we figured it was time to go back. Reluctantly I said ok, and we went back. Some more frolicking with my buddy Cisco, and a big hug goodbye, and I was on my way home with a giant stupid grin on my face!

So now it's 2:30am, and as you can see I'm still up. I'm not sure what for, or what all this typing has accomplished. Except that for an extended weekend so simple, it really just revived my spirits so much. I wanted to share it, especially because I've been a pretty grumpy gus of late.

There's nothing like surrounding yourself with those who love you, especially those who don't have to, and love you just because they want to, to pick you back up again.

I'm gonna go try and sleep it off now though.

Gentlemen:
If you get up to offer a woman on the bus your seat, the rest of us women on the bus will smile and think you're a great guy. Really.

WHY do all the street crazies talk to me? Always.

I'm minding my own business walking to work. I notice the guy waaay down the block at the corner. It's about 30F out, and he's got
1. A baseball cap
2. A trench coat
3. Calf high socks
4. Sneakers

So at first glance I thought, maybe he's a flasher.

I get to the corner, and I'm looking down the street to the left watching the traffic, when off to my right I hear
"Hi"
then louder
"HI"
so (duh) I turn around.

It's 8:30 in the morning and this guy is TRASHED. He's a pasty white, sorta Irish looking, well-fed kinda guy, wearing glasses, eating a biscuit or something and spitting crumbs out as he's talking. I couldn't really make much out of what he was saying, he was slurring that badly.

But I got as much as "Did you see...adfkoiiichsoinigioo...I picked the color...airiiiingilllmmnopppss... the city painted those...#039980B...do you think...bakdrhioadflakdjg;lakd;ashfaldiccddid..."

The light changed and I said "Ok! Have a nice day!" and went to work.

Migraine season. ugh.

I'm home from work today because I can't breathe without it hurting my head.

Fortunately I have a whole new forum to keep me happy, because newsaskew.com/forum is now open. The new look is good, but it's still a little slow for the time being...

It already has 1000 registered users???

Two interesting things to note:

In the "Things You Don't See Every Day" category...
I was walking to work this morning and passing some of the office buildings on Trade Street, when up ahead was a city worker with a leaf blower. Not unusual, even at 8 AM. So I get a little closer and I realize...the leaf-blower person is female. Hmm, now that's a little unusual. So I cross the street and... the leaf-blower lady is a white female. Now that's unusual. Here in Charlotte anyway. WASPy professional white lady land...

The other day I was walking to work, and I was stopped at a corner waiting for the light to change. That's always a good opportunity to watch people on the street. It's either that, or watch the little numbers count down from "40" on the crossing sign. So hurrying down the crosswalk to my right is an older, professional looking gentleman. Probably in his 50's, white hair, neat moustache, nice suit. Not unusual. He comes up to the corner and takes a spot next to me, looking across the street. Suddenly he points at the building across the street and says,

"Oh, yes, I'm going in to YOU."

Needless to say, I let him cross the street ahead of me.

Was he talking to himself? Was he talking to the building? Only he knows for sure...

Spring! Spring! Spring!
I don't care what the calendar says. It's here today!

Holy crap I love that Maddox guy! Click on the --> Best Page in the Universe link. Do it now. You know you want to. All the cool people are doing it.

Goodbye Dave Blood. We hardly knew ye. :(

Rolled 80K yesterday on my way back from Jersey.
Lots of new pictures will be posted in the album tonight.
Went on the View Askew Kevin Smith Clerks Chasing Amy tour over the weekend.
We were on a mission...

WTF?
Here today is a reprise of what happened exactly one month ago!

I feel good.

I went to the doctor the other day for a general checkup, upstairs and down. She said I've lost 7 pounds since last time I was there, which was Jan 8th or so. A little over a month. I'm working out a lot and it's like I forgot how much I missed it. I feel...stronger.

I've spent a lot of time at work lately. Last week I had 14 hours of overtime; this week I only had 10 or so. But I've also started the second job again, so maybe I can pay off some of the debt eventually. Maybe I can buy myself a sofa soon. I've been without anything but the one chair and the floor pillows since Thanksgiving...

Holy fuck, THIS is what I've been fighting! :

If you suffer with a general social phobia, you will tend to worry about becoming the centre of attention anywhere you find yourself with other people. You will find yourself worrying that everybody is looking at you and noticing what you are doing. You may fear being introduced to other people and may even worry about eating or drinking in public. It may be difficult for you to go into shops or restaurants. You may feel so embarrassed about undressing in public that you can't face going to the beach. It may also be difficult for you to confront your boss or colleagues, even when you really ought to.

Parties are likely to be particularly difficult. Many of us will hesitate slightly before going into a room full of people. If you have a social phobia, you may tend to hover around the entrance or outer rooms - some people believe they are claustrophobic because of these feelings. When you finally get into the room with other people, it may feel as though everybody is looking at you. It can be tempting to use alcohol to help yourself cope, starting to drink before going to a pub or party, so that you can loosen up and relax enough to actually enjoy it.
______________________________________

Up until this very moment when I read that, I thought I WAS claustrophobic... Now I think not so much.

______________________________________

Social phobia, also called social anxiety, is a disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their fear may be so severe that it interferes with work or school - and other ordinary activities. While many people with social phobia recognize that their fear of being around people may be excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome it. They often worry for days or weeks in advance of a dreaded situation.

Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation - such as a fear of speaking in formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others - or, in its most severe form, may be so broad that a person experiences symptoms almost anytime they are around other people. Social phobia can be very debilitating - it may even keep people from going to work or school on some days. Many people with this illness have a hard time making and keeping friends.

Physical symptoms often accompany the intense anxiety of social phobia and include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, and other symptoms of anxiety, including difficulty talking and nausea or other stomach discomfort. These visible symptoms heighten the fear of disapproval and the symptoms themselves can become an additional focus of fear. Fear of symptoms can create a vicious cycle: as people with social phobia worry about experiencing the symptoms, the greater their chances of developing the symptoms.. Social phobia often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression or alcohol dependence.



I've found that I feel less this way when I'm on the anti-depressants, and now I have evidence that this is well-founded. I'm shocked.

And at the same time a little relieved. I was afraid that I was becoming agoraphobic. Maybe it's just intense social anxiety!

My sister knows the extent to which I've worried that I'm becoming a hermit...

I have to F O R C E myself to go out and do things. It's the motivation behind my never wanting to use the phone. I now do most of my shopping on the internet. There are days at the worst of it where I consider calling out "sick" from work because I don't want to have to deal. It's a HUGE accomplishment for me to go pretty much anywhere social where there are going to be people I don't know. Again, I have to really force myself...

This makes me angry:

2/2/04

Dear Residents,

The Management office would like to make you all aware of a recent incident at (apartment complex). One of our residents was walking toward our building on Oates Street and was robbed at around 8:30 PM on a week night. The aggressor hid between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings where the resident could not see him. The good news is that the resident was not hurt and the aggressor was caught.

We have assessed the lighting around (apartment complex) and have made a recommendation to the owners to add additional lighting, specifically between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings. All of the other areas are well lit.

Unfortunately we realize that no matter where we are, we are subject to crime. Because we are concerned about everyone's safety, we believe it is important to notify you of these incidents so you are more sensitive to your surroundings.

As always, we welcome your thoughts and suggestions.


Too little too late. This is especially troubling to me with all the overtime I've been working lately. That very well could have been me. I like to think though that I don't really subject myself to such things by being acutely aware of my surroundings. And for example, I know not to walk on that street on the side where there's that big space between those two buildings for just that reason! I'm also not afraid to run, scream, yell "Fire", or mace someone. But who can say what they would have done in that situation if it were them? You don't really know how you'll react until it happens.

Sometimes my body tells me what it needs by making me crave something.

Though one time, I had this dream where I went searching on a giant quest for "tocopherol". On and on it went, and I kept trying to find it, and I looked in things to eat and to drink. I even tried to smoke it. But I wasn't happy until I injected a big yellow liquidy dose of it.

What is "tocopherol" you ask? I didn't know either so I looked it up when I woke up.

Tocopherol is Vitamin E.

I got myself some of those gelatin capsules stat.

So back to the cravings. For a long time I totally craved sushi, but more specifically the seaweed rolls with the fish. Not long after that I find out I have an underactive thyroid. What's in seaweed? Iodine. What's iodine for? You get the picture.

Last week I craved orange juice. I was sitting at work, and for about two days, it was all I could think about. I could practically taste it. I figured I was craving the Vitamin C. So since I finally got around to drinking it last week, I feel much better. (Plus, it was absolutely delicious. I love citrus!)

Today I'm craving a margarita. I wonder what that means...

From the web:

"People are so willing to make themselves unhappy. Americans revel in their victim hood - it's a national pity-party. If you ask someone about their "free-time" they will think of only the small, unscheduled intervals in their day. They mentally convert their pleasurable activities into "obligations" just because they are pre-scheduled time. How lucky they are to have the time to watch their favorite programs, go to a child's meet or game, or take a piano lesson! My glass is half full - why is yours half empty?"

Wisdom from The Devil's Panties comic woman, Jennie Breeden...

"Well, like there are real monsters out there: kidnappers and killers, but I don't want to believe that they really exist. Nothing bad ever happens to me, so I just stress out over bills and sitcoms. My monsters are my own doubts and fears of the world around me."

"You really need to get laid..."