Pie in the Sky, Part I

I am categorically miserable right now.

Not with my marriage.
My husband is amazing, and I love him more than life itself, and I wouldn't trade him for the world.
My family is perfect. No complaints there.
My health is questionable, but I'm not going to worry about anything I'm not sure of.

It just seems like every other aspect of my life is in disrepair. I have seemingly unattainable goals, which seem attainable for everyone else I know, but somehow I just don't know how to get there.

This is strange and new to me because I'm normally known as the "successful" one. If you ask my friend Sandy, she'll tell you that I've always been the most "together" person she's ever known. If I see something I want, I go for it and just get it done. No problem. And now I feel helpless and lost and I don't know where to begin.

Let's start with my job. For those of you following along at home, I took my current position last June while I was still living in Charlotte. With a promise of better pay, a more flexible schedule, and the chance to use my more technical abilities, it seemed like a fair trade for having to relocate. I moved us to the Washington DC metro area in December. That was the beginning to a long string of very negative circumstances which I don't really feel like enumerating right now. It could turn out to be one of the worst mistakes I've ever made.

Regardless of my situation, Craig got a great job, which he loves, with people who are super-nice, and an ultra-lax dress code, and only about a half hour commute. We're trying to build him some job equity at this place because after being sick and out of work for a year, then moving to Charlotte and holding a job there for only a year, it's not looking healthy on his resume. So this is the perfect opportunity for him. Plus, he's already being recognized as a valuable employee, and has received a promotion and a raise. It's in our best interest to keep him there.

Meanwhile, at my job, my team is being "restructured." In short, what that means is that they're laying everyone off, and if you want to apply for one of the "new" jobs, and you're in a particular region like me, you're basically re-applying for your own job.
The main reasons I think this happened are:

1. They wanted to fire some people, and in this litigious era, this is the easiest way. I've seen it before. It's true there are fewer fitting/available positions then there are people currently on my team.

2. The team really WAS in need of a redirect. We've had no structure, no real cause, our duties are vague. My boss's boss told me that I was sort of a "test" subject for her when I got hired because she wanted to see what my "training" and learning curve was like with the team in its current state. She said she's watched me struggle, and I'm part of the reason this is happening. Okay, at least that means it may get better!

3. Our team works non-billable hours. They want to start charging people for our services. This may work, or it may mean I have less to do because people don't want to pay. We'll have to see.

Anyway, at this point in time, I am VERY reluctant to start any new projects. What if I do get pushed out of this position? If I've busted my ass for the last month while I'm waiting to be rehired, and they give the job to someone else, I'll be PISSED. So I feel I'm in a terribly awkward position.

And I haven't heard anything for about 3 weeks. We were told they would be hiring the managers first as to have them take part in hiring their staff. That's fine, but the waiting is agonizing.

The real kick in the ass is that I can't quit and find another job. When I relocated, they paid me a sizeable lump sum to cover my relocation expenses. But I had to sign a form saying that I would have to stay with the company for at least 2 years, or I would have to pay all or a portion of the money back depending upon the time I stayed. Now I asked HR, if my job were being eliminated as it is, and I found some other opportunity, would I still have to pay the money back? I was told that I would be considered for the position, but if I didn't get it, I still have 90 days to find something else within the company. If I quit before that 90 days is up, I have to pay back the money. If I can't find anything within that 90 days, I would be relieved of the obligation.

So they basically have me in a bind. Can't quit, just have to wait and see what happens.

Limbo=death

Well, it's bedtime though. I'll be back with the implications of all this, including my seemingly unattainable goals, later...

Useless Mental Exercise

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I lie in bed and create mental exercises for myself to distract my thoughts just enough that I can drift off. For example, I picture a blackboard in my head, and write the number 100 on it in chalk. Then I erase it. Then I write 99. Then I erase it. I never get all the way to zero.

Another one is to logically think out minute by minute what I would do if I discovered I won the lottery.

Wouldn't it be great here if I just went: GOOD THING I DID THAT BECAUSE I WON!!!!!!!

I didn't.

Anyway, I'll just go through the process. What the excitement would be like, would I call someone right away, how would I plan for the future?

Well, the other night I watched too much "Miami Ink" before I went to bed, and it occurred to me to wonder, "Why did I never decide to become a tattoo artist??" I have the creativity and artistic talent, and even if I was only half good, there's a portion of the art that's tracing or riffing off other things that have already been drawn. I have the manual dexterity to work the tools of the trade. I think tattoos are pretty damn cool. The work atmosphere is good, you can wear what you want, and if you get good enough at it, it earns you prestige and money.

I guess, and I certainly don't mean this as any disrespect to anyone in the profession, that it would be squandering of my more cerebral talents. I don't know any tattoo artists with MBAs or advanced technical certifications. While they all seem to love their jobs, I get the impression from some of the ones I know that it was a natural path for them because they just didn't have the head or the attitude for anything else. Some of the other ones I know were like, it was this or another trade, like construction or mechanics.

That's never been my slant, but I'm not sure why. How did I get steered into the business world? Because that was where the money is and that's what I thought I wanted?

Then I get to thinking that no matter how many "hands on" jobs I've gotten into, it seems when you get too good at it, the first thing they want to do is move you into management. And so I went. Sometimes willingly, and sometimes just for the money or the experience. And I'm good at it, so why not?

But I guess I've just started looking for other things in my life now, especially having just had a birthday that qualifies for the start of my "mid-life" years. I'm going to keep my eyes open for as many opportunities as possible.

Would I like to get into tattooing? Totally.