Disconnected

Sometimes I think no matter how hard I try I will always be a solitary person.

It seems no matter how I make an effort, reach out to be social, chat it up with a person or two, I walk away alone.

I lived in Charlotte for 8 years and I can probably count on one hand the people I consider real friends. The people that I would go back to see. The people I know that if I said, "Come to my wedding - I know it's in NJ but please try" that would be there come hell or high water.

Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out who these people are. But when you do it's worth it.

I know too that the handful of real friends I do have understand me. They know if I go off for a little while and they don't hear from me, that everything's okay, and that they don't need to worry. They don't have to wonder if we're still friends. When I see them again, we just pick up where we left off, whether that was a week ago, a month ago or nearly a year.

They know that I will just go away for a while too. And they're okay with it.

I'm not much of a talker in a social setting. I'm much more of a listener. I love to have conversations with the kind of people who guarantee that there will never be an awkward silence. Whether that means that I'm listening to their story about the latest in their tragic love life, or just the great place they had lunch yesterday, it doesn't matter. I will sit and absorb it all. I'm a pretty active listener; I will take and feedback and ask questions and really wait to hear the answer. I just would rather listen to anyone speak than have to tell what I feel are really boring stories about myself.

There's that line from Fight Club where Marla says that no one listens, they're just waiting for their turn to speak. I've always strived to be the opposite of that.

And maybe that's why when I'm put on the spot I have a hard time being idly conversational. I come off as boring. I seem aloof. People worry that I'm judging them because I don't talk. Really, I'm just so interested in what THEY have to say, that I'm not even thinking about myself and what to say next.