Here today is a reprise of what happened exactly one month ago!
Thursday, February 26
Saturday, February 21
I feel good.
I went to the doctor the other day for a general checkup, upstairs and down. She said I've lost 7 pounds since last time I was there, which was Jan 8th or so. A little over a month. I'm working out a lot and it's like I forgot how much I missed it. I feel...stronger.
I've spent a lot of time at work lately. Last week I had 14 hours of overtime; this week I only had 10 or so. But I've also started the second job again, so maybe I can pay off some of the debt eventually. Maybe I can buy myself a sofa soon. I've been without anything but the one chair and the floor pillows since Thanksgiving...
I went to the doctor the other day for a general checkup, upstairs and down. She said I've lost 7 pounds since last time I was there, which was Jan 8th or so. A little over a month. I'm working out a lot and it's like I forgot how much I missed it. I feel...stronger.
I've spent a lot of time at work lately. Last week I had 14 hours of overtime; this week I only had 10 or so. But I've also started the second job again, so maybe I can pay off some of the debt eventually. Maybe I can buy myself a sofa soon. I've been without anything but the one chair and the floor pillows since Thanksgiving...
Saturday, February 7
Holy fuck, THIS is what I've been fighting! :
If you suffer with a general social phobia, you will tend to worry about becoming the centre of attention anywhere you find yourself with other people. You will find yourself worrying that everybody is looking at you and noticing what you are doing. You may fear being introduced to other people and may even worry about eating or drinking in public. It may be difficult for you to go into shops or restaurants. You may feel so embarrassed about undressing in public that you can't face going to the beach. It may also be difficult for you to confront your boss or colleagues, even when you really ought to.
Parties are likely to be particularly difficult. Many of us will hesitate slightly before going into a room full of people. If you have a social phobia, you may tend to hover around the entrance or outer rooms - some people believe they are claustrophobic because of these feelings. When you finally get into the room with other people, it may feel as though everybody is looking at you. It can be tempting to use alcohol to help yourself cope, starting to drink before going to a pub or party, so that you can loosen up and relax enough to actually enjoy it.
______________________________________
Up until this very moment when I read that, I thought I WAS claustrophobic... Now I think not so much.
______________________________________
Social phobia, also called social anxiety, is a disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their fear may be so severe that it interferes with work or school - and other ordinary activities. While many people with social phobia recognize that their fear of being around people may be excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome it. They often worry for days or weeks in advance of a dreaded situation.
Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation - such as a fear of speaking in formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others - or, in its most severe form, may be so broad that a person experiences symptoms almost anytime they are around other people. Social phobia can be very debilitating - it may even keep people from going to work or school on some days. Many people with this illness have a hard time making and keeping friends.
Physical symptoms often accompany the intense anxiety of social phobia and include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, and other symptoms of anxiety, including difficulty talking and nausea or other stomach discomfort. These visible symptoms heighten the fear of disapproval and the symptoms themselves can become an additional focus of fear. Fear of symptoms can create a vicious cycle: as people with social phobia worry about experiencing the symptoms, the greater their chances of developing the symptoms.. Social phobia often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression or alcohol dependence.
I've found that I feel less this way when I'm on the anti-depressants, and now I have evidence that this is well-founded. I'm shocked.
And at the same time a little relieved. I was afraid that I was becoming agoraphobic. Maybe it's just intense social anxiety!
My sister knows the extent to which I've worried that I'm becoming a hermit...
I have to F O R C E myself to go out and do things. It's the motivation behind my never wanting to use the phone. I now do most of my shopping on the internet. There are days at the worst of it where I consider calling out "sick" from work because I don't want to have to deal. It's a HUGE accomplishment for me to go pretty much anywhere social where there are going to be people I don't know. Again, I have to really force myself...
If you suffer with a general social phobia, you will tend to worry about becoming the centre of attention anywhere you find yourself with other people. You will find yourself worrying that everybody is looking at you and noticing what you are doing. You may fear being introduced to other people and may even worry about eating or drinking in public. It may be difficult for you to go into shops or restaurants. You may feel so embarrassed about undressing in public that you can't face going to the beach. It may also be difficult for you to confront your boss or colleagues, even when you really ought to.
Parties are likely to be particularly difficult. Many of us will hesitate slightly before going into a room full of people. If you have a social phobia, you may tend to hover around the entrance or outer rooms - some people believe they are claustrophobic because of these feelings. When you finally get into the room with other people, it may feel as though everybody is looking at you. It can be tempting to use alcohol to help yourself cope, starting to drink before going to a pub or party, so that you can loosen up and relax enough to actually enjoy it.
______________________________________
Up until this very moment when I read that, I thought I WAS claustrophobic... Now I think not so much.
______________________________________
Social phobia, also called social anxiety, is a disorder characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. People with social phobia have a persistent, intense, and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by their own actions. Their fear may be so severe that it interferes with work or school - and other ordinary activities. While many people with social phobia recognize that their fear of being around people may be excessive or unreasonable, they are unable to overcome it. They often worry for days or weeks in advance of a dreaded situation.
Social phobia can be limited to only one type of situation - such as a fear of speaking in formal or informal situations, or eating or drinking in front of others - or, in its most severe form, may be so broad that a person experiences symptoms almost anytime they are around other people. Social phobia can be very debilitating - it may even keep people from going to work or school on some days. Many people with this illness have a hard time making and keeping friends.
Physical symptoms often accompany the intense anxiety of social phobia and include blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, and other symptoms of anxiety, including difficulty talking and nausea or other stomach discomfort. These visible symptoms heighten the fear of disapproval and the symptoms themselves can become an additional focus of fear. Fear of symptoms can create a vicious cycle: as people with social phobia worry about experiencing the symptoms, the greater their chances of developing the symptoms.. Social phobia often runs in families and may be accompanied by depression or alcohol dependence.
I've found that I feel less this way when I'm on the anti-depressants, and now I have evidence that this is well-founded. I'm shocked.
And at the same time a little relieved. I was afraid that I was becoming agoraphobic. Maybe it's just intense social anxiety!
My sister knows the extent to which I've worried that I'm becoming a hermit...
I have to F O R C E myself to go out and do things. It's the motivation behind my never wanting to use the phone. I now do most of my shopping on the internet. There are days at the worst of it where I consider calling out "sick" from work because I don't want to have to deal. It's a HUGE accomplishment for me to go pretty much anywhere social where there are going to be people I don't know. Again, I have to really force myself...
Thursday, February 5
This makes me angry:
2/2/04
Dear Residents,
The Management office would like to make you all aware of a recent incident at (apartment complex). One of our residents was walking toward our building on Oates Street and was robbed at around 8:30 PM on a week night. The aggressor hid between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings where the resident could not see him. The good news is that the resident was not hurt and the aggressor was caught.
We have assessed the lighting around (apartment complex) and have made a recommendation to the owners to add additional lighting, specifically between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings. All of the other areas are well lit.
Unfortunately we realize that no matter where we are, we are subject to crime. Because we are concerned about everyone's safety, we believe it is important to notify you of these incidents so you are more sensitive to your surroundings.
As always, we welcome your thoughts and suggestions.
Too little too late. This is especially troubling to me with all the overtime I've been working lately. That very well could have been me. I like to think though that I don't really subject myself to such things by being acutely aware of my surroundings. And for example, I know not to walk on that street on the side where there's that big space between those two buildings for just that reason! I'm also not afraid to run, scream, yell "Fire", or mace someone. But who can say what they would have done in that situation if it were them? You don't really know how you'll react until it happens.
2/2/04
Dear Residents,
The Management office would like to make you all aware of a recent incident at (apartment complex). One of our residents was walking toward our building on Oates Street and was robbed at around 8:30 PM on a week night. The aggressor hid between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings where the resident could not see him. The good news is that the resident was not hurt and the aggressor was caught.
We have assessed the lighting around (apartment complex) and have made a recommendation to the owners to add additional lighting, specifically between the two (apartment complex management owned) buildings. All of the other areas are well lit.
Unfortunately we realize that no matter where we are, we are subject to crime. Because we are concerned about everyone's safety, we believe it is important to notify you of these incidents so you are more sensitive to your surroundings.
As always, we welcome your thoughts and suggestions.
Too little too late. This is especially troubling to me with all the overtime I've been working lately. That very well could have been me. I like to think though that I don't really subject myself to such things by being acutely aware of my surroundings. And for example, I know not to walk on that street on the side where there's that big space between those two buildings for just that reason! I'm also not afraid to run, scream, yell "Fire", or mace someone. But who can say what they would have done in that situation if it were them? You don't really know how you'll react until it happens.
Tuesday, February 3
Sometimes my body tells me what it needs by making me crave something.
Though one time, I had this dream where I went searching on a giant quest for "tocopherol". On and on it went, and I kept trying to find it, and I looked in things to eat and to drink. I even tried to smoke it. But I wasn't happy until I injected a big yellow liquidy dose of it.
What is "tocopherol" you ask? I didn't know either so I looked it up when I woke up.
Tocopherol is Vitamin E.
I got myself some of those gelatin capsules stat.
So back to the cravings. For a long time I totally craved sushi, but more specifically the seaweed rolls with the fish. Not long after that I find out I have an underactive thyroid. What's in seaweed? Iodine. What's iodine for? You get the picture.
Last week I craved orange juice. I was sitting at work, and for about two days, it was all I could think about. I could practically taste it. I figured I was craving the Vitamin C. So since I finally got around to drinking it last week, I feel much better. (Plus, it was absolutely delicious. I love citrus!)
Today I'm craving a margarita. I wonder what that means...
Though one time, I had this dream where I went searching on a giant quest for "tocopherol". On and on it went, and I kept trying to find it, and I looked in things to eat and to drink. I even tried to smoke it. But I wasn't happy until I injected a big yellow liquidy dose of it.
What is "tocopherol" you ask? I didn't know either so I looked it up when I woke up.
Tocopherol is Vitamin E.
I got myself some of those gelatin capsules stat.
So back to the cravings. For a long time I totally craved sushi, but more specifically the seaweed rolls with the fish. Not long after that I find out I have an underactive thyroid. What's in seaweed? Iodine. What's iodine for? You get the picture.
Last week I craved orange juice. I was sitting at work, and for about two days, it was all I could think about. I could practically taste it. I figured I was craving the Vitamin C. So since I finally got around to drinking it last week, I feel much better. (Plus, it was absolutely delicious. I love citrus!)
Today I'm craving a margarita. I wonder what that means...
Sunday, February 1
From the web:
"People are so willing to make themselves unhappy. Americans revel in their victim hood - it's a national pity-party. If you ask someone about their "free-time" they will think of only the small, unscheduled intervals in their day. They mentally convert their pleasurable activities into "obligations" just because they are pre-scheduled time. How lucky they are to have the time to watch their favorite programs, go to a child's meet or game, or take a piano lesson! My glass is half full - why is yours half empty?"
"People are so willing to make themselves unhappy. Americans revel in their victim hood - it's a national pity-party. If you ask someone about their "free-time" they will think of only the small, unscheduled intervals in their day. They mentally convert their pleasurable activities into "obligations" just because they are pre-scheduled time. How lucky they are to have the time to watch their favorite programs, go to a child's meet or game, or take a piano lesson! My glass is half full - why is yours half empty?"
Wisdom from The Devil's Panties comic woman, Jennie Breeden...
"Well, like there are real monsters out there: kidnappers and killers, but I don't want to believe that they really exist. Nothing bad ever happens to me, so I just stress out over bills and sitcoms. My monsters are my own doubts and fears of the world around me."
"You really need to get laid..."
"Well, like there are real monsters out there: kidnappers and killers, but I don't want to believe that they really exist. Nothing bad ever happens to me, so I just stress out over bills and sitcoms. My monsters are my own doubts and fears of the world around me."
"You really need to get laid..."
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